Taking care of GUO JIA for Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the Guo Jia unit.


**Introduction**

**You've finally made a good decision for once in your life. Or did you? Ah, just messing with ya. Or am I? The GUO JIA unit is a very popular model at our retail, so be fucking happy you manage to get yourself one. One of the only blonde characters here next to the WANG YUANJI unit. Known for his good looks and nothing else. Just kidding, he's smart and has a drinking problem. **

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**Comes with... **

**Two (2) pairs of poots (Remember in DW7: XL, he had those pants/boots combination? Yeah, those.) **

**Two (2) pairs of regular boots**

**One (1) magic lamp post/scepter**

**Four (4) balls (The spheres he uses, you perv.)**

**Seven (7) robes that make GUO JIA look like he's ready for an ice skating competition**

**Five (5) bottles of yellow hair dye (I KNEW IT!)**

**Ninety-nine (99) flasks filled with snake venom wine (They're the illegal kind, so hide those well until he drinks it all.) **

**Basic Information**

**Name: Guo Jia (Not related to Guo Huai.)**

**Gender: Male. **

**Place of Manufacture: Yuzhou, Henan, China **

**Other names: **

**Famous for: Serving Cao Cao until he died young. **

**Spouse(s): Unknown. (Can't find anything on that.)**

**Children: Guo Yi (That's all I got.)**

**Appearance: Imagine Tamaki Suoh from OHSHC if he were Chinese.**

**Build: Thin (Even Xun Yu could judo flip him.)**

**Age: He's older than Sima Yi. Yeah. Get that through your head.**

**Striking Features: Blond, smiles in a good way a lot, magic balls as his weapon (No sexual innuendo, the weapon.) **

**Height: 5'9**

**Quirks: Has the sex drive of a rabbit, drinks wine like a water buffalo**

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**Instructions**

**He was very easy to get since he was passed out like always reeking of alcohol. Be careful when opening since the smell knock you out too. He should be having a hangover at the least and should be able to speak in a full sentence. If not, leave him in the box until he's sober. **

**Care**

**If you're female, he won't say no to you bathing him. But it's recommended to let him do things himself or else he'll be a complete baby if you continue to be his servant. If you're male, I suggest just go your normal routine. It'll be like your freshman dorm again. The unit prefers classy food and not food that'll stain. Any food that be eaten sexy will be good for him. Cheetos and Doritos are not sexy even when eaten by a hot girl, so don't bother. He is not picky about sleeping spots since he'll end up sleeping in almost everywhere when he gets a little tipsy. **

**How to keep your GUO JIA unit Happy**

**Keep alcohol and porn around and you two will get along just fine. If you're female, you can try to be a friend with benefits to him or be his mother. One will give off positive feedback and the other will give off negative or neutral feedback. **

**The GUO JIA unit will leave you or disobey you if the following happens...**

**Be a total buzzkill**

**Be an asshole**

**Shave his hair**

**Switch out his dye with some other color other than blonde (Black may not make him angry though.)**

**You chug down all of his illegal snake wine without him**

**Talk shit about Cao Cao**

**Have the CAO CAO unit with you since he's superior to you**

**Precautions**

**This guy's not that dangerous, really. Unless you count the possible STD's he has. **

**Even when drunk, he's still pretty nice. Unless you factor in him rubbing against you like a creep. **

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**Special skills**

**-Chinese speaker**

**-Drinking ability that of a frat boy **

**-Sex...? (Duh.)**

**-Smart guy (Useful for those final exams! But he's not your personal calculator. He has feelings, you know.)**

**-Hot guy (He can seduce female workers into doing things or giving things for free.)**

**Modes**

**Romancing**

**Females: You don't need this manual to romance the GUO JIA unit. As long as you don't have a PEN15, you're good. **

**Males: He has to be really really really really really drunk and stoned to try this.**

**Interactions**

**CAO CAO: Best friend and boss. They have a bromance, but Cao Cao is bromanced with all of his men though, so it's not exactly that special, but it's still special in his mind. **

**JIA XU: Best friend and drinking buddy. Can't decide if he's Jack Sparrow or Jafar.**

**XUN YU: Based on fanart on the newcomer Xun Yu, these two will be buddies as well. His weapon looks like a baby rattle.**

**SIMA YI: They talked once. Got stuck on an island together. Guo Jia and him would make good sit-com material.**

**FAQ'S**

_**Can he die of alcohol poisoning?**_

**When the time comes, you'll may have to get his stomach pumped sooner or later.**

_**GUO JIA ate all of my fruit!**_

**That's... a first... Then go buy some more. Fruit is cheap anyway.**

_**Could I get pregnant if I do it with him?**_

**Here at DEADWARRIORKOEI Corporation, we take it among ourselves to prevent teen pregnancy since it's most likely a teen girl will buy our stuff anyways. All of the male units are "snipped" excluding the Jin line because we ran out of money to do it on them. The female units are only able to get pregnant from another male unit. So no, you can't have little Guo babies with him. **

**_How "long" is he?_**

**Find out yourself. I'm not looking down there. **

_**I brought him to my calculus class and he won't do math!**_

**You cannot just set him on a table and poke him with a pencil and say "do math" to him. This isn't a Family Guy episode, you know. **


End file.
